5 Mental Breakdowns Every Woman Has Each Month

1. The “Because I’m Hormonal” Breakdown

I just want to run away. I just want to sit alone in my room, fist deep in a pint of ice cream, scream-singing Avril Lavigne. Honestly, I just miss the Backstreet Boys. Those were better times. Why can’t I go back to those? Why am I crying? I wonder if I can cry harder? Think of something sad, like the “Friends” series finale. God, that shit was sad. I need a man like Ross. No, James Franco. Even though my horoscope said I’m better off with Leonardo DiCaprio. Where did I put the chocolate? Oh, it melted on my thighs.

2. The “Career Path” Breakdown

It’s been seven months and this job still sucks. I didn’t even major in marketing, but here the fuck I am. All I want to do is see the world–is that too much to ask for? Instead, I’m sitting here typing, making money which will ultimately be split evenly between utilities, groceries, alcohol, and various entertainment accounts on the internet. By the time I actually get vacation days, I’ll only have enough money for a cab to the airport. And I can’t leave this job or else I’ll never get one again. My desktop background is the closest I’ll ever come to the Carribbean. I should be in Guam. They don’t have problems in Guam, only coconuts.

3. The “I Can’t Stop Gaining Weight” Breakdown

Oh, my God, I feel like Paula Deen. There is pinchable fat where there wasn’t pinchable fat two weeks ago. My muffin top is getting out of control and I need to be hot by New Year’s Eve. There have been desserts in the office every single day this week and it takes mutant powers to turn down a plate of Oreo-stuffed brownies. I should probably go for a run tonight. No, then I’m going to feel my stomach jiggling and my thighs will rub. Frankly, I can’t afford to buy another pair of leggings, even though they’re the only things that fit me right now.

4. The “Everyone Is Getting Married” Breakdown

And I’m over here just, like, waiting for my Tinder match of the day to message me. Even the kids from “19 Kids and Counting” are getting wifed up. Where are these people even finding each other? I read somewhere on the internet, or maybe I made it up, that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That means that of the two Facebook engagements that I scrolled past today–as in, the two and only times I’ve checked Facebook while the sun was up–one is destined for failure. What if that’s me, though? What if I finally get married and then I’m just single again? Seriously, people are concerned as to why I’m still single. Well, mostly the waiters at the diner and my mom. And me, I’m concerned. I need a cat.

5. The “Stuck In Traffic” Breakdown

Work was awful, I’m starving, and my boyfriend hasn’t responded to my texts since noon. The last thing I need is to be flipped off by a fucking stranger in a Benz. Is crying appropriate right now? Fuck it, this cry needs to happen. This awful radio music is not helping my case, either. Fuck you, Ed Sheeran, nobody cares about your dumb love songs. I can’t continue to waste my life waiting for other people’s wheels to move. That’s just not realistic and it’s a terrible new stressor on my already overwhelmingly long list of responsibilities..