15 Things They Don’t Tell You In The Parenting Books

1. Your car will be the second most popular place you will nurse your baby. Honestly those nursing covers are a pain in the butt for everyone involved. They don’t really cover anything, it’s hot under there for baby and you can’t see what you’re doing. During those first few weeks (months?) it’s easier to just be able to whip it (your boob) out and let your baby go to town without wondering who is watching. Plus you’ll have the ability to charge your phone, control the air temp AND the radio!

2. No one but you will care where the slope down ramp part of a sidewalk is. Spoiler Alert: it’s just off the side enough that you will run into people with your stroller because they will walk in a straight line.. and you won’t.

3. You will park right next to the cart return which goes against everything you’ve ever done previously because you don’t want to end up on BuzzFeed for “leaving your kid unattended in the car” even if it’s just to return the shopping cart. 

4. In fact, 85% of your parenting decisions will be based on you not wanting to end up on BuzzFeed at all for a story headlined “Mom Does _____ Internet Rips Her Apart.”

5. You will never be able to creep on someone’s facebook profile again because a stray baby hand will ineveitable “like” a picture from 2008 that you have no business looking at.  

6. You’ll never go to the bathroom alone again and even when you think you are, your husband will barge in asking where the diapers are stored (how is it possible he still doesn’t know?)

7. You will also never shower alone again and when you think you are, your husband won’t be able to calm the baby down unless the baby can see you. Your husband will then stand there, holding the baby while watching you finish shaving your .. legs. Unless you have a glass shower door, the entire bathroom floor will get wet.  

8. The general population will think your husband is #1 DAD (and not that he isn’t, but come on) because the first time you go out to eat as a family of three you will take this opportunity to let your husband do everything for baby (except for breastfeed, although the thought has crossed your mind) and you will sit back and just stare aimlessly around. A little old lady might come up to you and say “Your husband is so good with her. He does it all! You’ve got a keeper there.” It will take all of your strength to not set this little old lady straight. 

9. It’s hard to keep a baby entertained for 20 minutes, let alone a whole day. You will catch yourself (more than once) walking around your house describing the wall paint colors to your baby because she just likes the sound of your voice but you have literally nothing left to say to her.

10. Remember that phrase that annoyed the hell outta you at 40+ weeks pregnant when you were complaining that you were so ready for this baby to come? “Don’t rush your baby, she will come when she is ready.” Yeah well now when you just want some actual advice on how to help my baby sleep, or how to help my baby not be so fussy or whatever, people will just tell you “Don’t worry, this too shall pass.” This will now annoy you more than the previous. Obviously your baby will be a teenager eventually and better know how to sleep and how to not have temper tantrums but you want advice in this moment, not some zen quote worthy of being pinned onto your quotes board on Pinterest. 

11. You think you worried about every twinge and every cramp and every kick, roll, punch when you were pregnant? I remember vividly thinking “I can’t wait for this baby to be here so I can stop worrying about her as much. I’ll be able to hold her and SEE what’s wrong with her and be able to fix and protect her.” WRONG. You worry 1,000% more. 

12. You will drive out of your way to hit a drive-thru. Especially if it is for coffee. You will actually do anything for coffee but that’s an entirely different blog post. You will simultaneously wish and wonder why you can’t get everything you want through a drive-thru. Why doesn’t chipotle have a drive-thru? Why doesn’t Target have a drive-thru? Why doesn’t the mall have a drive-thru. You get the point. Online shopping will help you with the last two.

13. When you find yourself braving the elements and attempting to run errands in stores without drive-thrus, you will soon find that an errand that took 20 minutes pre-baby now takes at least 1 hour. Additionally, you (and baby) will reach your breaking point after 1 errand you everyone will need to take a nap ASAP.

14. The hardest adjustment you will have to make is turning the volume down in the car when out with baby. Gone are the days of blasting music and singing your heart out. 

15. Join parenting groups! Whether it be meet-in-person groups or the Facebook variety (or both) it doesn’t matter, just join them! You’ll be amazed at how many moms have the same exact questions that you have! Okay, maybe the parenting books do mention this one.. but it’s super important so I’m mentioning it again!